just who do i think i am? i get frustrated here often. i can say something so many times and it just doesn't seem to sink in to anyone's head. they say, "okay, you-you." but make no movement toward doing what i've said or asked. ahhhhh! and i get frustrated.
how many times have i said that getting your head wet in the rain doesn't make you sick? but then a "medical professional" comes in and tells them to close the windows so the kids don't get sick. (not because of rain; that had nothing to do with rain.) and i get frustrated.
i know these are not stupid people. i know they are hard workers. i know they have love, and strength and hope in spades. but still . . . i get frustrated.
i think, "why don't they get that?" "why doesn't anyone plan ahead?!" "how many times have i said that?!"
and then i go to church on sunday morning and the man next to me puts in two haitian dollars for his offering. that' about 28 u.s. cents.
and i didn't put in anything.
why? because i don't have a lot of money?! because it's not my regular church?! no excuse.
oh the shame.
but there's more. the man leading communion quoted dietrich bonhoeffer in perfect english from memory.
and i have been so humbled.
who do i think i am?
i'm an american.
i love and love and love my freedom and my country and my rights. i love and love and love that i can travel where i want, when i want, given the funding. i love that i can say JESUS IS LORD and no one will persecute me for it. i love that i had FREE EDUCATION growing up and the opportunity to go to many colleges and universities to study everything i wanted to learn. i love that i can read and understand joseph conrad. i love that i have multiple copies of the bible all to myself.
but sometimes being an american is not something i'm so proud of. why? because of my pride. because of the american mentality that if you just work hard enough, you'll get everything you've worked for. you'll be rich. you'll be healthy, wealthy and wise. but most of this world lives in poverty.
in poverty like this. and forced to work like this:
with this outside their front door:
just who do i think i am? am i any greater than the man next to me in church? oh Heaven, no. just because i have had opportunity and praise God for it, but who am i?! the Word says, " . . . and what do you have that you did not receive?" 1 cor. 4:7
so, praise God for free education which has taught you cause and effect (something you now categorize as "common sense"). and praise God you can read and learn scientific facts about your health, your body, the way the world works. praise God you have a bible of your own to read! praise God you have a job and the opportunity to promote or transfer. praise God you have acquired the skills to discern, to use wisdom, to plan ahead, to deduce. praise God for your HMO as much as you'd like to complain about which doctor it allows you to see. but don't do what i do. don't think it makes you special. don't think you're somehow important because you're smart. don't do that.
because you're wrong.
i'm wrong.
i'm nothing and i have nothing apart from what Christ has given to me.
teach me Your humility, O God!
forgive me all my hideous pride.
and somehow find a way to use even me, chief sinner among sinners, for Your glory.
i love you, gretchen! i'm praying for you right now! you are such a hard worker and you desire to do what is right in every circumstance. you love Jesus with your whole heart and i admire you so much. i just wanted you to know that i think you're wonderful! thanks for giving me the opportunity to serve with you!
