musings, Scriptures, prayers, planifications, patience, and hope

hold on, folks: this is gonna be a long one. i am prepared to call it "ode to kristina" considering the length, honesty and soul-searching that may be involved!

there is a picture on my parents' fridge of my brother, cousin and i. i am guessing i am about 6 and elias is about 4 in said picture. you know, i'll share it:


i look at this picture often while i'm in the kitchen. we are at my grandmother's house and clearly enjoying ourselves, though not really doing much of anything. what i see when i look at this picture (as most pictures of children invoke) is innocence. we were so young and so innocent. and yet that idea clashes with what the bible teaches us about human nature. we are not born with a "tabula rasa", sorry aristotle, sorry john locke. not a single one of us has a clean slate from birth. romans 5:12 tells us that sin entered the world through one man and that death (the consequence of sin: eternal separation from Christ) spread to all men because all sinned. continuing in verse 14, paul outlines that death reigned . . . "even over those who had not sinned in the likeness of the offense of adam." there it is. we are all sinners because we are all of adam, regardless of age or "innocence."
so at age 6 so bright-eyed and "innocent" i was already a sinner. not only that but psalm 139: 16 says, " . . . in Thy book they were all written, the days that were ordained for me. when as yet there was not one of them." He, Christ, foreknew EACH of my days. (selah)

He formed me, He knit me together in my mother's womb. and He KNEW what i would be come. He knew all my sins before i ever committed them and yet He knocked on the door of my heart. He sought me out. He saved me!!!!!

i know i say this all the time, but, "what a mighty God we serve?!!" His grace overwhelms me. that He would go to the cross on my behalf knowing that i would sin against His holiness is unfathomable.

i know many of you have heard me say my favorite verse is james 1:27. and it is. james may be my favorite book. but my other favorite book is ephesians. actually, that section of my bible is so worn out, i can pull pages of ephesians right out of my bible and read them on their own! ephesians 2 in particular is wonderous. however, i have another favorite verse. something carsen shared with me recently called this verse to mind:
"and what do you have that you did not receive?" 1 cor 4:7b
i don't think anyone should read this verse and not take a moment to reevaluate . . . everything. what do i have that i did not receive? life? breath? family? job? friends? health? security? my home? my three cars? my bed? my couch?
do you follow me?! with this perspective, we need to change how we view ourselves in relation to Christ and others. okay, i now acknowledge that Christ has given me all things because without whatever talents i may possess, i would not have whatever job or friends i have. therefore, since my talents and my very life came from Christ, i have earned none of this, rather it has been given to me. therefore, i cannot boast in any of it. and furthermore, i must have incredible amounts of compassion on others!! because we are all heirs of grace. not a single one of us earned any of this. i was given these gifts. and i was not worthy of them. so how could i ever be so foolish as to think that someone else may not be deserving of the gifts given them?!! who am i?!
as Christians, we must have a love and compassion that far outweighs the "love" the world shows. because we understand our humble and meager position before Christ and the grace He has bestowed on us.

okay, let's go back to mini me. washed by blood and lavished with grace, sinner that i am, i grew up. and here i am today in a situation i never meant to be in; one that is not in itself glorifying to my Savior. but what does the Scripture say? "and we know that God causes ALL THINGS (caps mine) to work together for GOOD!! (caps and punctuation mine) to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." rom. 8:28

and this i have found to be true. the Lord, Who is sinless, has used my sin to glorify His name a hundred times over since the time of my confession. and i am amazed. is that not grace? is that not compassion? what a mighty God we serve!!

this "situation" as i called it has taken me from my home. i feel a million miles away from where i want to be. i ache for my chlldren and for the employees of angel house. i miss them constantly. others who have been in my "situation" (that's starting to be a funny word to me) have not always had to leave their homes. not only that but those who possibly did leave their homes probably were free to decide for themselves whether or not they could return home. my case is different. or so i sometimes am so disillusioned to think. but that verse comes back to me. what do i have that i did not receive? are other women free to decide anything for themselves? am i? or does the Lord know "all the days that were ordained" for me?
there is so much to consider about going home. is it the right choice for me? is it the right choice for my child? is it the right choice for the children or employees of angel house? is it the right choice for the organization?
and sometimes my sinful, selfish side thinks, "why does anyone else get to decide what happens in my life?" but that thought is laughable. do i really think it's up to me anyway?!! He already knows!! He has gone before me! He has plans to prosper me! (jer. 29:11)

as you know, i recently worked on a fundraiser for some friends in southern california. in so doing i had the opportunity to design tee shirts for some of the kids i know and love. one of them was for miss suterlande hope cundiff, whom i adore. she used to call me "mama you-you" but has dropped the "mama" now that she has one of her own!! anyhow, the shirt i made for hope had these balloons on it and read "hope floats." in october of last year i posted a picture of this precious little girl and talked about having hope even when the outlook is bleak. today i have no idea what tomorrow holds. i don't know but my God knows. He has each and every day written down in His book. and so i will have hope. i will trust. because He knew all along that i was coming to this point. He saw that little girl in her patchwork slippers looking so "innocent" and He lead her to haiti. He instilled that love and compassion for His people, His orphans, His widows into her heart at a young age and He knew where it would all lead. so i have nothing to fear and everything to gain in simply following Him.